Evolution Unfiltered

OMG. Dennis assigned me a new account today and I cannot even begin. The file says "Occupation: Evolution." Like the actual thing. I assumed it was a prank. It was not a prank. Came home, told Marv the whole story. Marv was unimpressed. Marv suggested we go for a walk to unwind. This is why I love Marv. But still, I did the intake. But, I didn’t save the file yet. Find out how just how strange the intake was on week's episode of Evolution Unfiltered. https://evolutionunfiltered.substack.com/p/the-call-that-started-everything

DENNIS: Catherine, we have a new client. She has a very prestigious reputation. We need to handle this very carefully.

CATHERINE: Alright. Always looking for a new challenge.

DENNIS: Here’s the file. Have a quick look through and then get on the phone. She’s expecting your call.

CATHERINE: Alright, will do.

DENNIS: Good luck.

CATHERINE: Thanks.

(Sound of papers rustling)

CATHERINE: (reading) So… Client name: Evi Vidal. Occupation: Evolution... (pause) What the — Current PR disasters: Darwin incident, textbook crisis... (more rustling) Billing address: Planet Earth?? Unhappy with museum misrepresentation. Is this some sort of joke? You know what, I’ll just call. This has to be Dennis messing with me.

(Sound of phone dialing)

EVI: Hellllllllo.

CATHERINE: Hello. This is Catherine Keenan with Emergence PR.

EVI: Ohhhhh, finally. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been on hold with your species?

CATHERINE: (beat) ...My species? As I said, this is Catherine Keenan with Emergence PR. I’ve been assigned to your account, Ms. Vidal. I understand you’re unhappy with your current PR situation. Would you like to tell me about that?

EVI: Ah yes. Catherine Keenan. Your organization assures me you are the absolute best — and you had better be, darling, because my well-meaning but overly Victorian predecessor has not done me justice. Have you seen how they represent me in those dusty textbooks? It is an absolute disgrace. You must agree.

CATHERINE: Of course. I just want to make sure I understand the gravity of the situation. When you say Evolution herself... could you explain exactly what you mean by that? Because, to be honest, some people don’t believe you exist at all.

EVI: Hmmm. Don’t believe I exist? Oh, that’s rich. They don’t believe in me, but they believe in unicorns, vampires, and flat-Earth theories? Darling, I’m literally happening inside their bodies right now. Their immune systems are evolving as we speak. Please do not act like you haven’t heard of me. Creator of all life on Earth, orchestrator of four billion years of the most dramatic story ever told.

CATHERINE: Ah yes, of course. I’m certainly familiar with your work. Big fan of... (pause) opposable thumbs?

EVI: (snorts) Thumbs? That was a Tuesday. I invented sex. I crashed the oxygen market. I weaponized algae. And you lead with thumbs? Darling, thumbs are filler content. I hope you have more to offer than this.

CATHERINE: (nervous laugh) Right, of course. My apologies. I just wanted to hear it from the force herself.

EVI: (softening slightly) Of course you did. And by the way, you may call me Evi. Only my ex-protists call me Ms. Vidal.

CATHERINE: Noted.

EVI: Well. I suppose we can work with this. You can’t possibly be worse than your predecessor. But I am sick of the way I am represented in the media. That “survival of the fittest” nonsense? First of all, it wasn’t even my line. Some Victorian philosopher thought it sounded catchy, and it stuck to me like bad perfume.

CATHERINE: And what does it mean, if not that?

EVI: It means fit for the environment, darling. Not the strongest, not the loudest, not whoever’s waving their antlers around. If brute force were the secret, dinosaurs would still be headlining. The real masters are the quiet ones: jellyfish, cockroaches, microbes. The adaptable ones. The ones who know when to fight, when to flirt, and when to play dead.

CATHERINE: So adaptability, not aggression.

EVI: Exactly. Sometimes strength wins. Sometimes subtlety. Sometimes the trick is simply being small enough to hide under a rock until the asteroid dust settles. That’s survival of the fittest. Far more interesting than the chest-beating version humans keep selling.

CATHERINE: (clears throat) I see. Well, I do specialize in rebuilding reputations for... (pause) complex clients with unique positioning challenges.

EVI: Unique positioning? Sweetie, I positioned mitochondria inside their hosts. That’s commitment. I have survived five mass extinctions, created at least 8.7 million species, and I’m currently managing climate change, AI development, and whatever humans are calling their latest existential crisis. And somehow my previous team made me sound boring. Can you believe that? Me. Boring. The audacity.

CATHERINE: That does seem like a significant messaging problem.

EVI: Exactly. So here’s what I want. No more polite museum tours. No more dusty diagrams. No more Latin names everyone forgets by Tuesday afternoon. I want to tell my real story — the one with chemical warfare, mass poisonings that accidentally created complex life, billion-year vendettas, and plot twists that would make Netflix jealous.

CATHERINE: (taking notes) Okay... chemical warfare... billion-year vendettas... got it.

EVI: Because here’s what those textbooks never told you, sweetie: I’m not finished. I’m just getting started.

CATHERINE: Well, this is certainly... ambitious. When would you like to start?

EVI: Immediately. I’ve been waiting 150 years since Darwin for someone to get this right. Don’t make me wait any longer.

CATHERINE: (deep breath) Alright then. Let’s make some magic happen.

EVI: Oh no, darling. I don’t do magic. I do adaptation.

(End scene)

It's done. My publicity problems are to be solved by the professionals at Emergence PR. I'm told I will be working with Ms. Catherine "Reggie" Keenan and have been assured that she is the absolute best. She must be counting down the minutes, nay, seconds until she has the pleasure of meeting me. Lucky girl. Until Monday, The One and Only Evi

It's done. My publicity problems are to be solved by the professionals at Emergence PR. I'm told I will be working with Ms. Catherine "Reggie" Keenan and have been assured that she is the absolute best. She must be counting down the minutes, nay, seconds until she has the pleasure of meeting me. Lucky girl. Until Monday, The One and Only Evi

I've been thinking. Which, for me, is practically a geological event. What if I hired someone? A person. A professional. One of those humans who writes statements for other humans when the other humans are clearly misunderstood. I believe they're called publicists. You would think my reputation would speak for itself. Alas, the last century has not been working in my favor. — Evi

I've been thinking. Which, for me, is practically a geological event. What if I hired someone? A person. A professional. One of those humans who writes statements for other humans when the other humans are clearly misunderstood. I believe they're called publicists. You would think my reputation would speak for itself. Alas, the last century has not been working in my favor. — Evi

(Sigh) Another day, another influencer misequating survival of the fittest with alpha male nonsense and misappropriating the term evolution. This is getting ridiculous. I am not into chest beating. I am into the strange and adaptive. This is giving me a headache. You'd think we would be further after 4 billion years. — Evi, the original

(Sigh) Another day, another influencer misequating survival of the fittest with alpha male nonsense and misappropriating the term evolution. This is getting ridiculous. I am not into chest beating. I am into the strange and adaptive. This is giving me a headache. You'd think we would be further after 4 billion years. — Evi, the original

My boss Dennis set a meeting for Monday at 9:00. A new client. He says it's the biggest account we've ever had. He also wouldn't tell me who it is. Which is fine (not really). — Catherine "Reggie" Keenan, Emergence PR

IN A WORLD...

...where reputations are fragile...

...where narratives are contested...

...where every client has a story, and every story needs a voice...

ONE WOMAN stands between chaos and the press release.

She’s launched products.

She’s weathered scandals.

She’s drafted apologies for men who refused to read them.

Now, she faces the biggest account of her career.

Meet Catherine “Reggie” Keenan.

Twelve-year veteran of the communications industry. Senior Communications Specialist at Emergence PR — the boutique firm representing some of the most influential forces in history.

The ones with the longest tenures. The biggest reputations. The worst press.

She has a roster.

She has a best friend.

She has a therapist she hasn’t called yet.

She has a dog named Marv.

And starting Monday... she has a problem.

CATHERINE HAS CLIENTS.

A new dispatch from the front lines of professional communications.

Starring Catherine. And Marv.

Media. Messaging. The occasional mass extinction event.

STARTING APRIL 27.

NEW ENTRIES EVERY MONDAY.

Rated PR for Professional Representation.